A mad old satirical news site from the dawn of the Internet archived for posterity

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All the news without the kumquats

Editors

  • ChilliBear
  • Hungry Caterpillar
  • Sean the Irish Bastard
  • Spunk-Monkey
  • Winnie the Poo
  • Hoffin' Bigman
  • Helter-Skelter
  • Niloc
  • Saunders
  • Dai Laffin
  • Digger

Quintessential Quote

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Pick of the Best

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Jesus parachute

Written by: Published on: 01 Jan 0001

Jesus parachute

  • I can see the pub from ‘ere! - LordVader
  • ‘Jeeeesus Christ, that was lucky….’ - Joe_Curr
  • This ‘Divine intervention’ lark ain’t all it’s cracked up to be….. - Matt Bibbings
  • Turnout for this years ‘Human Yo-Yo’s for Jesus’ was less than expected - mattbibbings@yahoo.co.uk
  • Exits are here, here, and.. there’s no need to jump out quite so prematurely - Peteza
  • Jimmy Hills puppet show was always a great hit at the toga party - Scrumpydoode
  • I didn’t crash here, I just felt like hanging out with the holy guy for a while! - Daniel (Australia) this page rox!
  • jesus, christ this wedge is killing me! I think I have a holly parachute! - Daniel, its me again
  • hey big boy, do you work out? - craccas
  • fee fie foe fum, I smell the pit hair of the holly one! - Daniel
  • Say hello to my lil’ friend - LordVader
  • Jesus: the cheeky bugger nicked the umbrella from my cocktail! - googly2000, g2k, googly man!
  • Jesus receives parachute Action-Man in a cracker at the last supper - Greasy luva

Man taped to wall

Written by: Published on: 01 Jan 0001

Man taped to wall

  • Government considers U-turn on research into genetically modified spiders. - Joe_Curr
  • Turner Prize entry turns on artist - Giroboy
  • ‘Tape Man’ proves a flop at the annual superhero ball - Joe_Curr
  • Some days, you really wish you’d shaved your chest… - JamBoy
  • Bank robberies take on bizarre new twist with tape guns - Deadmeat
  • Novel methods employed to hold back the hordes, on Playstation 2 release day… - JamBoy
  • Historic time-capsule reveals ‘missing link’… - gregarious gibbon
  • Mr Smith never did get the hang of wrapping presents - Deadmeat
  • Thats what you get for robbing ‘stationary box’! - SomeKindaBliss
  • The local village people had had enough of his thieving.
  • Duct Tape is Stronger than UHU - Sil
  • Twat gets himself caught in another ‘sticky’ situation… - LordVader
  • Duck Tape Chairman say’s ‘The pay cut was just a joke’ - Deadmeat
  • Jenny Craig tout’s break through weight loss method (results not typical) - manic marmoset
  • Critics agree: George Lucas’ latest special fx leave something to be desired… - manic marmoset
  • The forgotten 3rd world population enjoys the tale of Christmas - B>E<X
  • Be with you in a minute; I’m a little tied up… - Sparky
  • NHS bed shortage solution given the go ahead - mattbibbings@yahoo.co.uk

Skeleton theatre

Written by: Published on: 01 Jan 0001

Skeleton theatre

  • Cash strapped Millennium Dome loses roof. Body Zone nothing more than a skeleton - Joe_Curr
  • Advanced Dungeons & Dragons tournament takes longer than planned - LordVader
  • gullivar lives…….. sort of - jill
  • The Necronomicon is the source of all evil, Mwahahahahahahahaha! - CC, This is my boomstick!
  • Victims were not too chuffed about seeing ‘Hell’s’ This Your Life big red book - Scrumpydoode
  • Posh spice gets pop-up book for Christmas - Giroboy
  • Bloody bookworms get everywhere - ChilliBear
  • Millennium Dome facelift - Visitors to ‘Book World’ hope for good weather - Joe_Curr
  • Eammon Andrews exhumed to present this is your life - Simon
  • God vents awful vengeance on all who read the ‘All New Pop-Up Bible’ - Simon
  • posh spice enjoys her celebrity status above the little people - tim s
  • Man devoured by evil pigmys while reading book - LordVader
  • Posh Spice gets her first pop-up book - Simon
  • Food crisis on lilliput ‘send us another UN envoy please’ - Deadmeat

Government house somewhere

Written by: Published on: 01 Jan 0001

Government house somewhere

  • America denies puppet-president - Joe_Curr
  • ‘I don’t understand!! They used to fit!!! - strawberrrie22
  • Before the op, my tits were this big! - Ewan
  • Ugly bloke denies sexual harassment charges from Invisible Woman. - JamBoy
  • one, two, three, seven, eight, oh wait….
  • So THAT’S how hedgehogs shag! - Sparky
  • i dont need a ‘REAL’ monica lewinski, all i need is a bit of imagination! - googly2k
  • ‘You talkin’ to me?’ - Sean the Irish Bastard
  • You lookin at me………. - R. De Nero
  • Russian ambassador clears U.N. with statement ‘I want to be a real woman!’ - Deadmeat
  • Bob’s fart demonstrations were notoriously unpopular. - Namrah
  • Manual recounting of the Al Gore presidential votes - LordVader
  • Politician admits to taking viagra: I swear it was this big - LordVader
  • Red blood cells develop freaky mutation - Wookster
  • I knew I shouldn’t have beans for lunch - Wookster
  • Not too difficult - A Single man counts up Al Gores presidential votes - Wookster
  • International Hand Gesture #46: ‘You fat bastard, you ate all the pies.’ - JamBoy
  • 1st sign of madness - looking for hairs on the palm of your hands - LordVader
  • Pervert demonstrates advantages of female characters in virtual reality - LordVader
  • ‘I tell you Mo Mowlams were this big!!!’ - Deadmeat
  • It was a lonely conference and he just wanted a hug! - Bad Boy Malcolm
  • It was here a moment ago… - death to the muppets
  • ‘Yo yo yo Mr speaker waasssuuuuppp!!’ - Deadmeat
  • ‘i tell no lies they were this big.. ‘ - s
  • Bob stretched his fingers before playing the worlds longest piano - Scrumpydoode

Plane and sound barrier

Written by: Published on: 01 Jan 0001

Plane and sound barrier

  • Surprise toys now bundled in new white smarties! - Hoffin’ Bigman
  • Billy the blue monster was surprised when he squeezed the boil - Ewan
  • The U S air force proudly sky write todays friendly fire tally - Scrumpydoode
  • Never disturb a Hornet’s nest!
  • Chickens are new players in aerospace technology - Vic
  • Gives the term ‘the lynx effect’ a whole new meaning - Tom ‘Kickass’ Cantrill 10Jaaay baby!
  • what the f*k, i’m stuck! - *hmmm
  • ‘Sod the coming out of the Sun, they will never see us coming out of the clouds’
  • US Fighter develops severe case of haemorrhoids - Wookster
  • look, i told you not to spill the aliens beer! - googly2k
  • Caught on camera: mutant sperm - Wookster
  • Non-lethal weaponry is fair enough, but this cotton-wool missile is just shite.. - Jamboy
  • Where the fuck did that paracetamol come from - jelly
  • Dow Corning, dragged into further lawsuits, denies culpability. - Bill Nicholson nicomp42@hotmail.com
  • Mutant Breast-Cloud in Stiff Nipple Shocker! - TigerMaple
  • Smarties have more than the answers we now have your planes - Daveyboy
  • I told you, ECM is for Electronic Countermeasures, not External Candyfloss Maker - JamBoy
  • Airforce expresses anger at ‘World’s Largest Cottonball’ botch-up. - Mr Cool
  • McDonnell Douglas replace braking ‘chutes with airbag. ‘Needs work’ says RAF. - JamBoy
  • Fluffy aliens 1 USAF 0 - Daveyboy
  • USAF in ballet-shocker. Don’t mess with their tu-tu’s! - Joe_Curr

Car crash in carpark

Written by: Published on: 01 Jan 0001

Car crash in carpark

  • The car on top is a Toyota - Hoffin Bigman
  • Security personnel caught in bizarre car-sex voyeurism shocker! - JamBoy
  • Yes sir we can just squeeze in one more - Dai Laffin
  • Production technique for new Mini exposed - Vic
  • The latest in budget multi story car parks - ozzy
  • Tony Adams tells police ‘I’m not pished’ - scrumpydoode
  • Mr Prescotts next transport plan goes bolloks up again - Scart Lead
  • And they say women can’t park…
  • And she passed her test! - Double standards……………. never! CC
  • ‘Move along please, theres nothing for you to see here’ - Colin
  • tut - typical BMW driver - Dougs
  • prevent your car from getting nicked, hide it under someone else’s one
  • Doctors are debating whether to separate the Siamese cars, so that one can live - SKB
  • damn it! missed the skoda ! - googlyman!
  • The new multipla from fiat - Blinky Bill
  • i told you women could’nt park! - paddy
  • Daewoo sir? That will do nicely - Dai Laffin
  • Damn it! Missed the parking assistant. - Hoffin Bigman
  • Low turnout at this years Dukes of Hazard fanclub conference - Where’s Daisy?
  • No, i don’t think you’ll need your umbrella madam! - Simon
  • Left hand down a bit! - Sparky
  • i think you may have failed reverse parking - alan from oz
  • don’t wear wellys when reversing! - alan from oz
  • i’ll have to do you for illegal parking!
  • it`s raining i couldn’t see the lines!
  • this is your captain speaking,do not be alarmed! if everthin starts to melt! - al from oz
  • ‘Do you like my new jacket - it’s yellow you know.’
  • EAT HOT MITSUBISHI DEATH, ALIEN SCUM! - Charlie

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)